Home
remembering at 1:34 a.m. on 2003-08-16
The blurred lines of awareness.
I'm staring down at my fingers. Pale, small, twirling the small silver ring around my thumb. The smokey air, searing my nose...eyes watery.
The slow melodic professions of the country singer, high against the walls, lingering over the heads of the patrons. Bouncing between the cracking sound as the stick hits the balls across the aging green felt tables.
My hand moves to touch the glass, that is slowly warming between my constant fiddling, and the hot, muggy air.
She is tossing her auburn head to the music. I think she looks ridiculous, but the man across from her is staring at her intently. Her voice is high and childish, as she shouts at him something unintelligible. She looks at me demandingly.
"Here, take my money and get me another drink!"
I blink, and press the moist 5 dollar bill against my palm, making my way towards the bar.
Because I am only looking at the floor, watching the white tops of my shoes, I nearly stumble into the arms of a small eyed man.
His head is nearly dwarfed by the exaggerated muscles of his torso. I blink, not out of interest, but indifference. My eyes smoldering exhaustion in the dank light.
"Hey...what are you drinking?" He says with a light smirk.
"Uhm..."
(looking down at my hands, as if they should tell me what to say).
"Bud light?" My mouth dry against my words.
He nods lightly and speaks to the bartender. A small Asian woman who never speaks a word of English to any of us. He produces the bottle, and I take it.
"That's really sexy..." He says, gently taking my hand in his, twirling the ring around my thumb, as if it was nothing for him to take the hand of a silent, unmoved girl.
"Thanks..."
I walk past my auburn haired friend. It isn't long until I am in her ear, asking for her to take me home. The muscular man, with a tight denim girl around his neck, winks at me from across the room.
The ride home is long. Everything is drawn out and the burning bulbs of the streetlights line up in rows, passing in slow pulses as I lay my head against the frosting car window.
"That was so much fun, wasn't it! That guy had the hots for you. Did you see that guy in the green shirt? I almost took him home, but then I thought Andy might call."
The truck door slams with a faint hollowness. I wave good-bye, and thru the humming of the engine and the muted lyrics of her cd player, I see her faint silhouette waving.
The metallic creaking of the screen door intrudes upon the chilling silence.
Past the blur of the refrigerator, and the lonely glow of the oven light, I creep into bed.
A warm body to greet me, I wrap my arms around his smooth, sweet smelling skin. Run my hands across the short, sandy stubble on his face. Kiss those soft, sleeping lips. Loneliness can be swallowed...
and in the dark, I am devoured.
never was � never will be
