Breaking the silence
remembering at 9:00 a.m. on 2003-06-27
The hall of his condominium was always dim. A tunnel that broke away into the quiet expanse of his living room, where only there were you greeted by the large, gaping windows that lead out to the river below.
The air is always thin here, a sort of peaceful levitation, that makes your heart quicken with its unobtrusive beauty.
This was never a place I imagined my father living.
I stood here, after he had opened the door for me. Feeling small and anxious, the movements between us are painfully awkward, and everything seems open and raw.
His face is dull and drawn out. That famous unresponsive look in his eyes that glazes over when things become too much for him. His retreat into the safety of his own muted thoughts, where we are all left on the outside of his acknowledgment to burn.
I grew up in those eyes.
Those were the same eyes I see when I look in the mirror.
"Hi Lujamin..." He says to me in his soft roll of accented English.
"Hi Daddy..." I say softly. His voice picking at my ability to control my ambiguity.
I move to crawl into his couch, but he stops me with a simple request to retrieve some things he had bought for me in his bedroom. I nod softly.
The light switch made a hollow click against the cheap plastic panel, and I frowned at the cheap orange glow against his bed.
Tentatively, My fingers peel open the plastic store bag, only to stop abruptly.
If I had known that he was standing in the door way, I think perhaps I would have taken a breath, instead of standing there in silent reverence. I carefully pulled out three pale blue and white infant outfits, still on their plastic hangers.
"Oh ..." I whispered delicately, my words almost intrusive in the rush of relief and pure elation I felt. The wall of anger and defense melting away with those three simple outfits, and his simple lack of words.
He had never been more beautiful to me. I had never loved him so much as I did then.
�I got them on sale�� He said with a half muted smile.
I buried my face in his chest and cried.
�Thank you daddy��thank you.�
never was � never will be
