The empty
remembering at 10:11 a.m. on 2003-03-27
It is the unique perspective that saddness brings people that seems to strike chords in me. For some, it takes a death, an tragic event for a person to feel. Remove themselves from their hum-drum droning lives to lift their heads up again and wipe away the gray.
I live in small spontaneous bursts that belong to other people. Not truly a drama whore to it, but a sad figure of a companion, to whisper in ones ear, that it will somehow, even if not, be alright.
God and his plans, the great debate of whether this life is just random, a chain of events that follow and break against each other to cause others, or if truly there is a plan for all of us.
It seems that fate has no reason, striking those down who stood tallest, and stroking the egos of those who spit on the graves of knowledge, and compassion.
I tend to think it is the first of the two, that seems more logical. Not, denying god, or that he doesnt care, but no matter how many prayers are spent, sometimes, it all just falls apart in the end. Good hearts get broken, and the devious and darkness succeeds with its way. Perhaps then, it is our duty, to be as good as one can, to allign these fates in our favor, a sort of karma that begins and end in you.
I stopped praying when I was 14, when the darkness seemed to swallow me, and prayer seemed more of a hungry antagonistic tease. The long nights spent sitting on the curb of a sidewalk, a sensless drug in my system, removing me from the present as much as I could force it to.
This seemed my only prayer at times. A cheap high, a cheap fuck, a way to push myself further against my own mortality, because then perhaps...I could touch it, and know it was really there.
That was in the past. Letting go of this selfishness is a constant journey for most of us. To drown in a sorrow unlike any, we feel. We feel too much at times. Trying to sive the clutter of thoughts and pre-programmed destruction.
I live now in a small hope, that small kindesses give way to an open plain of peace...a simple solution or stab in a dark, I'll never know. But its quiet, and small, and I know now, that I was meant for greater things.
never was � never will be
