One last look
remembering at 10:22 p.m. on 2003-04-25
There was a deep aching in my body, that ripped through me like an unseen force, crushing the air from my lungs, in an angry hysteria. Unable to look through eyes that just wanted to close.
Heartbroken.
He's staring at me with a silent, poised position of defence. I know he is being cautious of me...examining me like an insect, instead of the darling girl he used to adore.
Somewhere along the line, I no longer was his princess...and became this...thing.
Perhaps it was lost in my carelessness. Fumbling my relationship with this awkward boy/man, in order to rip through my own distaste and boundaries.
He paid many times for my lust..and I for his insecurities.
I've come to him wounded...sitting uncomfortably on his neatly fitted hunter green sheets...that smell poiniantly of him. A sharp cologne, that I caressed on his neck many many nights of the past. Brushing my small, pale hands across his warm face...
I've come on a mission, and he knows it. I can see the inner workings of his battle twisted on his scowling face. Trying to weigh the cost of one...last time.
I lay my head on these cool sheets...a tangle of blonde hair and watery blue eyes, gazing up at him as if pleading for something...anything...he can spare.
An embrace...a word to remind me that I once was home here...even if now, its so startling clear-- the small shrine to me has been gone from his bookcase long ago. Crammed into the closet along with the other dead things.
His eyes soften. Green and curious, almost serpentine. His fortress slowly melting away for just half a moment.
I begin to waver in the sadness...how lost I must be..to come crawling to him now...after all this.
My car begins to gather dew in the cold night air outside, detatched from me...windows brittle with its unwelcome blanketing. And his hands fumble over me sharply.
Thrusting deeper into me with an anger that makes me stare...wide opened at the ceiling. Calloused hands, grasping at my breasts, teeth gnashing at my neck...
I forget to breathe, until it is done. And I lay there...ashamed. I am cool to the touch...staring at his back, afraid to curl my body against his. This is not the one who could bring me my insatiable fix.
My dark-driven needs.
I creep through the darkness once more...a last time look at my guardian of the past...warm and sleeping, his face lost amongst the plaid-printed eddie bauer pillows.
A boyish man who held me once in reverence,
and now looked at me in spite. For he too, was disgusted, and dissapointed once more.
Only now do I close the door silently...and escape into the night.
never was � never will be
