The sadness in creation
remembering at 3:57 p.m. on 2003-06-06
I had waited for this moment for nine, long torturous months.
The room was dim, in a lulling, cradle of browns and left over echoes of the florescent lighting from the hall. From beyond the door, I could hear the faint clatters of carts being wheeled by, and the soft soled feet of nurses, pattering by in their colorful, cheerful smocks and light voices.
Inside here I was healing, the child that had ripped from my body, now cradled in the crook of my tired arms, as I lay on my side, across the sterile, scentless sheets. I lazily picked at the I.V. tape on my wrist, before taking a deep breath and reaching for the plastic receiver of the phone.
On a crumpled piece of notebook paper, the numbers were scrawled in my sloppy handwriting, though carefully written out as to allow for no mistakes...
707-983-.....
I swallowed hard as the first ring triggered my heart to pound mercilessly. Would I even have the words to say what I wanted to mean?
What if she answered? Knowing I would have to face that tone...that southern voice of aggression as she tore me down for my sins...
But it was he that answered, and I took my first breath. His sweet whisper of a voice seeming less innocent now, as he inquired with a loud "hello?"
I cleared my throat, to assure myself I indeed had a voice...
"I had the baby...."
my words coming out meek and flat.
"I know..." he replied softly, instantly responding to me as if trying to hold me together with his words.
The silence that preyed upon us both then, was heartbreaking.
I wanted to push my disappointment at him through the phone, reach my fingers across the thousands of miles and force him to touch the soft, newly crafted cheek of his firstborn. I wanted to choke him with my tears.
but instead, all he could mutter was...
"I'm so sorry..."
I blinked slowly, the words seeming out of place in this moment....the unreality of his apology, in the womb of this room. The soft, innocence laying at my side, just beginning the movements that would push him towards eternity...
I hung up the phone before we could loose another moment of this raw sanctity.
never was � never will be
