Craved Rejection
remembering at 1:28 p.m. on 2003-10-03
Its strange to me, that I don't even remember his name now.
I sat against the faintly foul smelling pavement, waiting for the clang of dishes and sound of the cars passing by to fade. For him to take off his apron and wander out into the night, and light the cigarette he always does.
I sat waiting, knowing. Several minutes past what would be considered a casual break outside. My waiting was already too obvious for me to hide, when he wandered finally stepped out, behind the heels of his friend.
I should have been warned for how he made me feel so awkward. So invisible, and strange. My insides peeled outwards for him and everyone to view, and all my truths, emotions, and desires...exposed. Ready to be inevitably picked apart.
And so it was, when he didn't even glance down at me, going on his way, across the brightly lit night pavement, and off into whatever journey he takes home.
The girl, who calls herself my friend, and yet I too can't remember her name now...walks out laughing on the trail of her boyfriend's words. The opens the thick glass door for her, and when she sees me, she gives a small frown and comes to sit beside me.
"He said no, I'm sorry..." her words lazy and in truth, uncaring.
"I guess he has a thing for Kelly."
It was funny how I already knew the answer. And yet, I demanded that I push myself against the blade. I wanted this rejection, because it was one more chance at feeling something.
It had been a week since I had left the safety of my former lover. Empty and hollow, I would have sat against any wall, waiting for anyone to come and claim me.
I never wanted to feel that way again.
And yet, in a way here I am.
Still waiting for you to come claim me. Someway, somehow.
never was � never will be
