Standing Now
remembering at 1:31 p.m. on 2003-06-19
They had strategically cornered me into this room, a systematic execution in the form of what was to be called
"An emergency family meeting"
Her eyes are burning through me, glassy with angry tears burning at the corners of her red, spidery-veined eyes. The cold irises darting back and forth to hold my face in its frame...Or perhaps its just really that hard for her to look at me.
Those eyes...the material from where I came, and yet lived in acute fear of all my life, masked by admiration. Masked by motherhood.. Deific and so blind, she could push me down my own path with one quick fix of her tongue.
And this time, the world was spinning with hers, and their disappointments, the air thick with the fierce vibration of desperation, and words....
just ready to be forced down my throat in an immediate need to "fix" this problem.
"You can't possibly keep it!" my mother hissed, her body tense to the point where she is rendered completely motionless. "Tomorrow we are going to find some resources. You cannot keep this child. You'll ruin it's life! You'll ruin yours!"
Her voice cracking at the peak of her revelation.
My father echoed...and only his tears alarm me, for their raw sadness carve away at my believable...he seems so innocent...So broken, because all he can do still,
is echo her.
It's all thats left of him now.
I want to kiss him.
And I want to strangle her.
I'm filled with a horrific drowning sensation. Gasping for the words to fight with. My emotions flailing to catch onto something that will save me from this darkness...release this cry that is curdling in my throat, hunting down a weapon that will hold them off from this....
insecurity of myself.
For once, in my small life, I let the words fly out of my mouth. They erupted out of me with such venomousness, that I could not stop them from assaulting everyone in my defense. In
-his- defense.
"I will not kill my baby! And I'm going to give him away!"
My last words resonating through their stunned faces. And for once...
